One of the most commonly known rules when you stop drinking, is no dating your first year sober. Some follow the unwritten rule, and some (most) don’t. Here are the top four rules for dating while sober to help when you do decide to date.
1. Don’t rush
“Where do two addicts go on their 2nd date?”
“Uhaul.”
Addicts and alcoholics love to feel good, and what’s better than feeling good? Feeling GREAT! We want more and more of what makes us feel good, and when we take out alcohol or drugs, and haven’t learned yet how to stabilize the emotions and cravings, we can tend to put our attention onto a new craving which can be a new partner. There is an unwritten rule about abstaining from dating your first year of recovery. Of course, we are human and loneliness is not something we do well with so it’s no surprise many of us (myself included) date during their first year of sobriety.
“I got into a relationship when I was 6 months sober and I’m grateful for the lessons, but I can see now why the rule is there. I cringe looking back at the person I was in that relationship (and at the guy I was dating). I was trying to figure myself out, and I was doing that while also putting my attention on someone else’s needs and wants.” -Jen 10 Years Sober
The truth is, we’re rebellious people by nature so if you give a rule, we try and break it or somehow think it does not apply to us. Do what you like, but you have been warned.
2. Set boundaries
Set boundaries with your sobriety up front. When you meet someone new, it is up to you to let them know the importance of things in your life like family, career, friends, health etc. and your recovery is no different. When dating someone new while sober, let them know upfront that you are sober, and are active in recovery.
“I don’t have any alcohol in my house because that is my safe place. I don’t mind if someone I am with drinks, just don’t expect me to be the designated driver or chaperone.” – Melissa, 2 Years Sober
Those are Melissa’s boundaries and they work for her. By setting those rules, she does not need to negotiate with anyone. Thats what she’s comfortable with, and if it’s not ok with them, then it’s not a good fit. Being in a relationship and getting sober can bring its own challenges and some new boundaries and compromise with your partner will be necessary.
This post is all about Dating While Sober ♥
3. Be aware of their drinking
If you’re dating someone that drinks, be aware of their drinking habits. You don’t need to judge or grill them, just be observant and ask questions if there is something you need clarity on or something you don’t feel comfortable with. I know plenty of sober people in happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships with a partner that drinks. I also know plenty of sober people in challenging and unhappy relationships with partners that drink or have issues with drinking. It’s up to you to see what you’re comfortable with, just don’t compromise on deal breakers and be aware of red flags.
4.Know you will change and evolve
This can be challenging when you are in a relationship and get sober. The person you are the day you get sober is not the same person you will be in a year, or 2 years. You will grow and evolve and sometimes grow together, and sometimes grow apart. When you are dating while sober, your boundaries and standards will grow and evolve also. Early on, you might date people that drink and go to bars and clubs.
“After being sober for a while, when I would meet someone that was still drinking in bars weekly was a big NO for me. I didn’t feel like it aligned with the kind of partner I wanted. My life and lifestyle had shifted. I was getting up early to go to the gym or recovery meetings at 7:00 am, which meant I was tired at night and started going to bed early. The thought of being out past 9pm was exhausting.” – Anon
It will take time being sober, along with trial and error to have the list of boundaries you’re comfortable with. My first sponsor told me to make a list of all of the qualities I wanted in a partner and to make a list of the deal breakers. I did this and would carry it in my purse, which is not surprising that I married someone with almost every quality on the list.